A vivid flashback:
It was the beginning. In a land far removed from the concept of sane distances (let us call this land oh-so-crappily-far) there lay a hill. This particular hill took upon itself the task of populating itself with some repulsive creatures. On introspection and countless years of pondering (because mountains are nearly incapable of thought) the hill decided that it should populate itself with slimy and revolting toads. To control the toad population snakes were invited and given homage. On the hill’s peak stood Gpaparibbit, the founder of the Hill’s toad race. He thrust onto his child toads the ultimate commandment of the toads –
“THOU SHALT SCARE THE PANTS OFF HUMANS.”
It was at this time that the Creator looked down upon the toad, and was shocked; he was bamboozled. Seeing the creator in this state, the Earth trembled and thus came into being the concept of Earthquakes.
The creator realized that the commandment of the toad involved two new concepts, namely pants and humans, without which the entire life of a toad would become meaningless. It was at this point in history when the Creator decided to create humans, and because he was the pinnacle of intelligence, he later made the humans themselves invent pants.
And thus, due to Gpaparibbit the toad were born the concepts of Earthquakes, pants, and more importantly, the human race.
Present day:
Rechristen Oh-so-crappily-far to ‘Chettipuniyam’. GPaparibbit’s descendants had acquired various superpowers and had now completely evolved into the abhorrent creatures which star in B-grade horror movies. A check list of the revolting characteristics –
- Slime covered skin, color of which is sure to trigger off alarm bells in the ‘fear’ centers of the brain – Check!
- Vile appearance and viler activities like sticking head into unwanted places such as dog’s ass – Check!
- Superpowers like super-jumping, human-scaring, head-dropping, acidic-peeing, and hideous-smelling—
Check!
Now after checking in the various parameters of these gruesome creatures, let us move on to the point in our story where a group of professionals working at a software company (supposedly- but in fact, secretly writing a code for hegemonic world domination by re-routing all the world’s satellites and reprogramming everyone to be jobless)
The ageless hill observed the entry of these professionals; it was a long time since the hill had had any fun; it rubbed its giant earthy and forest-covered arms in anticipation, thereby causing a tremor to materialize. It called upon the legions of repulsiveness to awaken from its deepest depths, and directed the legions to the home of the unsuspecting professionals.
2 days later
The naïve individual known as VBK entered the toilet. This particular place was not furnished with even a bulb, as a result of which going to the toilet and finishing the intended job was quite burdensome – A torch had to be inserted between the teeth to provide a constant source of light. When VBK entered the toilet, his 7th sense (6th sense and all is an old school story – the 7th sense is the instinct of sensing a frog when it is about to pounce on you and make its slime stick to you) informed him quite strongly that mischief was afoot. As he shone the torch around, he spotted one.. No, two, Naaaa… THREE hideous creatures hiding in the darkness which had given them refuge. The toads looked at him menacingly, glaring with their beady eyes and exhibiting their throbbing throats. Horror gripped him and he ran out crying “Toad, TOAD!”
2 more days later
Gloves fashioned from polythene covers.
Helmet pilfered shamelessly from a friend.
Broom which had been acquired illegally from the man living upstairs when he was too busy contemplating how to convert frog infestations into a profitable business.
Dust-pan which was very reluctantly purchased from a shop 7 kms away.
If you thought VBK was going to wear all this gear on his joy-ride to the Asylum, think again. This gear is what makes him a true warrior, the soldier who fights against the minions of the hill – the toads.
The helmet was acquired because just a day before, VBK had entered the toilet, only to be viciously attacked by a slimy toad sticking to the ceiling; the result – Completely freaked out VBK jumping up and down shouting ‘Oh, CRAP!’ somewhat resembling a talking rat’s ass which has been recently doused with kerosene.
With the gear in place, VBK approached, where to his knowledge two mini-monsters were in hiding. VBK’s roommate, Agent Daniel, patted him on the shoulder and said, “I’ll take care of one, mate.” And went inside the realm of the battle, armed with the battle broom. Meanwhile, VBK was giving running commentary:
Daniel attempts to verbally intimidate the toad into vacating the place once and for all! No response. Possibly the toad does not comprehend English.
Daniel shines the torch light into the toad’s face and tries to blind it and then throw it outside!
Toad does not budge... Toad is holding his ground.
Toad’s move – he jumps in Daniel’s direction, but Daniel adeptly uses the toilet door as a shield and defends himself from the toad leap… Toad rebounds and hits the floor hard! Is he out? Nooooooo! Toad gets up again and gets ready to pounce.
Daniel is getting real pissed. He tries to shoo the toad out of the window, but to no avail. Toad simply wants to sink its miniature claws into Daniel and infest him with toad slime.
Now Daniel decides to go in for the kill.
*WHACK*
R.I.P Toad which caused unprecedented damage to the walls by emitting its acidic piss on it.
The first murder in the new home. The dead body of the toad lay there, awaiting further action with respect to its disposal. Daniel didn’t have any second thoughts; the evidence had to be disposed. In the manner of throwing a simple chocolate wrapper into the dustbin, Daniel disposed the body of the toad in the toilet bowl and flushed it down. VBK was the only witness to this gruesome event, and in some corner of his cowardly heart, which was conditioned by the worst horror movies ever, he was scared that the miniature soul of the toad would come back and haunt him forever.
As the toad wars continue unparalleled to any wars in history, the hill in the background is facing its first true foes; its first REAL challenge.
The battle awaits…
