The police were meticulously combing the area known as Chettipuniam for any traces of the hidden serial killer. This particular killer had the audacity to show himself in public with his weapon of choice, allegedly a cycle stand composed of wrought iron.
He did not stop there. He had raised the cycle stand high above his head in an inhuman attempt to slaughter an innocent by standing kid, and had screamed, “I’m going to kill you, mangy mutt!” At this instant, the ‘killer’ was indirectly responsible for making that kid perform the impossible mixture of crying, wetting his pants and fainting at the same time; the ladies sitting and gossiping on the road side opened their mouths in terror and closed them with their hands (A rather useless gesture. Why couldn’t they just close their mouths and act surprised anyway?); the men looked upon the killer, an abundance of terror present in their eyes; some quaking in their ill-tailored pants and some took the ends of their off-white dhoties and started chewing on them, for fear of biting off their finger nails in the tension.
Whoa, hold your horses; I’m moving too fast for my own good. Let’s slow down. Na, let’s rewind a little and come back to this picture which I have painted.
Ever since the frustrated software engineer (Let’s call him VBK) had come into the area known as Chettipuniam, he had been under attack by various forces of nature. These included, among other revolting creatures, snakes which gobbled up rapidly multiplying toads, an endless horde of stray dogs which took malicious pleasure in chasing innocent software engineers to the brink of exhaustion (All except VBK’s roommate Don, because all the dogs used to cringe in fear at the very sight of him.. His Himalayan appearance could be better described in another post dedicated to his entirety.)
It was a standard morning – waking up to the scratchy feeling that in an hour more he will be sitting in front of a screen in a zombie like state sipping on some horrid tasting coffee and mindlessly trolling around some pointless code, which is so sensitive that as soon as you touch it, it throws up hundreds of errors. Doctors prescribe something to stop people from throwing up, and software engineers prescribe bits of code to prevent the software from throwing up (errors).
VBK, the veteran of the public forum, also known as BB VBK, was as usual dissolving the BB and drinking it in (Sounds better when translated to Tanglish – karachu kudichufying) when he came across this post-
From: Swapna Sridharan
Posted At: Wednesday, December 08, 2010 10:41 AM
Posted To: ******
Conversation: Need to kick some ass
Subject: Need to kick some ass
Hi,
Any pointers to stress busting – any place where we have full authority to go and break, crack, hit, bite, pull, push, annihilate, burn, crush or grind random objects in frustration, please let me know. I am totally pissed off in life right now.
-Swapna
At this point in time, VBK had the dreaded impulse which would later lead to the series of unfortunate events which was least expected. He wrote –
From: VBK
Posted At: Wednesday, December 08, 2010 10:42 AM
Posted To: ******
Conversation: Need to kick some ass
Subject: Need to kick some ass
CC (Put my name in cc) to my Id. I need to kick some too.
-VBK
It was a really different post which VBK could relate to and he was sure that it would get deleted as soon as the Iron Fist got to see it. And he was right, because in a hurried frenzy, the posts got deleted. But what did not get deleted was the name of the person from VBK’s mind. It was a girl. And a rarity. How many women are violent enough to want such things and also audacious enough to post it on the BB?
That was a real turn on. And yea, you guessed what happens next – it blooms. Here ‘It’ is an unclassified concept which is better off undefined. You know, no strings attached. Just It. But whatever ‘it’ is, I would just like to warn you with a rhyme – If it blooms, then at sometime it will be doomed. Bloom and doom. And the unfortunate VBK had not a clue about this. Very soon that CC to my ID to a random stranger became a
“Hey, let’s go for coffee, there’s a new coffee machine on the ground floor.. Don’t forget to bring your mug!” And so it was. VBK and Swapna Sridharan for coffee outside one of the buildings.
Now many fellow software engineers might have come across this particular post on the BB –
“DON’T KEEP COFFEE MUGS OUTSIDE BUILDINGS, DOGS WILL COME AND LICK”
And that was exactly what happened when VBK and his unclassified date finished their coffee and were chatting up schemes about how to inflict violence on unsuspecting passerby folks.
“Hey, you stray doggie! Get the hell out and stop licking my cup!” She yelled. The dog looked up, puzzled by the sudden outburst. He was just about to lick the cup, when the violent Swapna threw a stone at the poor unsuspecting dog. The projectile of the stone was such that it hit the dog squarely in the middle of the eyes. He yelped helplessly and ran away, but as he moved away, he gave such a menacing look to VBK that ensured, “I’ll take care of you later, you animal abuser!”
Showing posts with label chettipuniam nights. Show all posts
Showing posts with label chettipuniam nights. Show all posts
Friday, December 10, 2010
Chettipuniam Nights II
According to the encyclopedic knowledge of Varunopedia, the following defines the bizarre creature known as the multi-tongued-toad –
Multi-Tongued-Toad
From Varunopedia, the vetti encyclopedia
(Amphibious distant cousin of the Babel Fish)
For other uses, see Repulsive Creatures stuck to Cycle Tyres (Disambiguation)
A multi-tongued-toad will prey on your stupidity and translate the language of animals for you. In order to make the multi-tongued-toad work for you, you need to continue making stupid comments and it will then get pumped up and start translating the language of animals into whatever language you made the stupid comments in.
As for VBK, he never runs out of making stupid comments such as ‘Oh, came back from FC huh. Had your lunch?’ or, ‘Hey that car has so much dust on it, I think it’s not been cleaned for a long time!’
Now, it so happened that Mr. VBK chanced upon one of these Multi Tongued Toads stuck to the front wheel of his bicycle. (See picture for reference) He gingerly lifted it, placed it in his pocket and continued walking. Since stupidity was in abundance, the toad automatically powered up and stated translating the language of dogs for him. So now, VBK could comprehend dog talk. (Yeaa baby, another Dr. Dolittle at your disposal)
Just as he was cycling out of Mcity and into the previously described shady area of Chettipuniam, he heard voices talking. The mutli tongued toad started translating in a scratchy voice, and it was then that VBK realized that he was overhearing the conversation between two dogs.
“Bro, check this fool out. His girlfriend threw a stone at Kabali today.”
“Yea? Let’s give him some pain.”
Suddenly out of nowhere, two vicious and sufficiently toothy dogs were running towards VBK, claws out, teeth sharp and glinting.
VBK saw them running towards him with kolai veri (License to Kill) and panicked. He mounted his cycle as soon as he could, but in the process of mounting the bicycle, a prominent RRRIIIPPP could be heard; that was when he looked down and noticed, to his horror, a gaping hole in his pants.
What was worse, the Multi Tongued Toad decided to make a grand entrance through the hole into… Err… Into VBK’s private chambers.
VBK was screaming his head off and pedaling as hard as he could so that he could get away from the chasing dogs and also so that the toad would not move further into the … Forbidden territory. In the process he almost ran over an old man who was walking along the road trying to smell the flowers (But ended up getting stung after a few unidentified insects decided to take a bite at his bulging nose)
Anyway the point is, by the time VBK got away from the dogs on his bicycle, he had reached such a speed that the friction between the road and the tyres had put top speeds of the Need for Speed cars to shame and had busted the cycle tyres. He had no way out. The next morning, he would have to walk. And why did all this start? All because Swapna threw a stone at a dog. He wanted to kill her. He wanted to positively, and literally, ensure that she ‘went to the dogs’.
That night, VBK got some moral motivation from his roommate Don on how to do some teeth smashing, nail pulling and other horrific things in that genre. Now that his cycle was unusable, he dismantled the cycle stand from it and now, armed with this weapon, went to meet his fate.
In the middle of the Chettipuniam road where Lorries flattened the Earth, infiltrated the air with endless amounts of dust and jobless people took refuge, VBK the cycle stand warrior went forth. It was at this time, that the dog spoke and this was in turn translated by the Multi Tongued Toad –
“So, you have come to die. So be it.”
“No, I have come to watch you die.”
“Me, die? I would love to see you try!” Barked the dog.
“I’m going to kill you, mangy mutt!”
FREEEEEEZE! This if you recall, is the beginning of our story. And this, my friends, is the unfortunate turn of events which led to VBK being mistaken for a ruthless serial killer and child abuser. It was his misfortune that a small child had been standing in the way of the dog and VBK; this made people think that VBK was actually going to slaughter the poor kid. This was the picture I had painted.
Now, slowly zoom out and notice the intricate details of the painting. This painting hangs in the middle of Chettipuniam tea shop in the year 2020, because the story of VBK and his adventures in Chettipuniam went on to become legendary, and every time a frustrated young software professional goes in and lights a cigarette to drown his frustration, he looks upon this painting and draws inspiration. The cycle stand which was almost used there lies today in the museum of venerable artifacts, as depicted below. Watch out for more Chettipuniam night chronicles.
VBK's Cycle stand in the museum of venerable artifacts
Multi-Tongued-Toad
From Varunopedia, the vetti encyclopedia
(Amphibious distant cousin of the Babel Fish)
For other uses, see Repulsive Creatures stuck to Cycle Tyres (Disambiguation)
A multi-tongued-toad will prey on your stupidity and translate the language of animals for you. In order to make the multi-tongued-toad work for you, you need to continue making stupid comments and it will then get pumped up and start translating the language of animals into whatever language you made the stupid comments in.
As for VBK, he never runs out of making stupid comments such as ‘Oh, came back from FC huh. Had your lunch?’ or, ‘Hey that car has so much dust on it, I think it’s not been cleaned for a long time!’
Now, it so happened that Mr. VBK chanced upon one of these Multi Tongued Toads stuck to the front wheel of his bicycle. (See picture for reference) He gingerly lifted it, placed it in his pocket and continued walking. Since stupidity was in abundance, the toad automatically powered up and stated translating the language of dogs for him. So now, VBK could comprehend dog talk. (Yeaa baby, another Dr. Dolittle at your disposal)
Just as he was cycling out of Mcity and into the previously described shady area of Chettipuniam, he heard voices talking. The mutli tongued toad started translating in a scratchy voice, and it was then that VBK realized that he was overhearing the conversation between two dogs.
“Bro, check this fool out. His girlfriend threw a stone at Kabali today.”
“Yea? Let’s give him some pain.”
Suddenly out of nowhere, two vicious and sufficiently toothy dogs were running towards VBK, claws out, teeth sharp and glinting.
VBK saw them running towards him with kolai veri (License to Kill) and panicked. He mounted his cycle as soon as he could, but in the process of mounting the bicycle, a prominent RRRIIIPPP could be heard; that was when he looked down and noticed, to his horror, a gaping hole in his pants.
What was worse, the Multi Tongued Toad decided to make a grand entrance through the hole into… Err… Into VBK’s private chambers.
VBK was screaming his head off and pedaling as hard as he could so that he could get away from the chasing dogs and also so that the toad would not move further into the … Forbidden territory. In the process he almost ran over an old man who was walking along the road trying to smell the flowers (But ended up getting stung after a few unidentified insects decided to take a bite at his bulging nose)
Anyway the point is, by the time VBK got away from the dogs on his bicycle, he had reached such a speed that the friction between the road and the tyres had put top speeds of the Need for Speed cars to shame and had busted the cycle tyres. He had no way out. The next morning, he would have to walk. And why did all this start? All because Swapna threw a stone at a dog. He wanted to kill her. He wanted to positively, and literally, ensure that she ‘went to the dogs’.
That night, VBK got some moral motivation from his roommate Don on how to do some teeth smashing, nail pulling and other horrific things in that genre. Now that his cycle was unusable, he dismantled the cycle stand from it and now, armed with this weapon, went to meet his fate.
In the middle of the Chettipuniam road where Lorries flattened the Earth, infiltrated the air with endless amounts of dust and jobless people took refuge, VBK the cycle stand warrior went forth. It was at this time, that the dog spoke and this was in turn translated by the Multi Tongued Toad –
“So, you have come to die. So be it.”
“No, I have come to watch you die.”
“Me, die? I would love to see you try!” Barked the dog.
“I’m going to kill you, mangy mutt!”
FREEEEEEZE! This if you recall, is the beginning of our story. And this, my friends, is the unfortunate turn of events which led to VBK being mistaken for a ruthless serial killer and child abuser. It was his misfortune that a small child had been standing in the way of the dog and VBK; this made people think that VBK was actually going to slaughter the poor kid. This was the picture I had painted.
Now, slowly zoom out and notice the intricate details of the painting. This painting hangs in the middle of Chettipuniam tea shop in the year 2020, because the story of VBK and his adventures in Chettipuniam went on to become legendary, and every time a frustrated young software professional goes in and lights a cigarette to drown his frustration, he looks upon this painting and draws inspiration. The cycle stand which was almost used there lies today in the museum of venerable artifacts, as depicted below. Watch out for more Chettipuniam night chronicles.
VBK's Cycle stand in the museum of venerable artifacts
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