Ascetic

The legions of nature are always merciless and immutable to our senses.

Raindrops fell on the beach and made deep wounds in the sand. The scent of the sand and rain coalesced with the scent of the salty sea and hit my nose with savage force – Thus was defeated my sense of smell.

As I stood barefooted at the place where the sand and water make love, I could feel the coarse, wet sand burying my feet under it; I could feel little crabs in the vicinity making their presence felt by tickling my toes – Thus was defeated my sense of touch.

Exquisite mollusk shells lay scattered on the sand, vulgarly displaying their intricate designs crafted by nature herself; the waves of the ocean competed with one another in a beautiful, unspoken race of who would reach the shore first and lick my feet; the great ball of fire, the sun presided over all, silently mocking my admiration – Thus was defeated my sense of sight.

The soft music of the ocean, the sound of the rising and falling waves filled my ears; the call of a distant bird made me crane my neck and look up, trying to spot the source of the beautiful sound; the rhythmic pounding of the water came crashing down on the rocks and I could almost hear the particles of rock eroding through the centuries, only to be deposited as sand on the shore – Thus was defeated my sense of hearing.

I couldn’t say much about my sense of taste, because it was being defeated by some groundnuts which I picked up from a newspaper cone one by one and popped in my mouth.

I am the owner of my 64 years. I am the owner of riches, a family and everything, but not the owner of my own senses it seems. How can one control the senses? What If I do not want to smell the flowers even if they are being thrust in front of my nose?

Well, if there is something I want to do before I kick the bucket, it is to conquer that bit**, nature and show her I won’t be enchanted by her treats. I want to know what happens. What happens when you don’t sense anything? What will happen when you don’t see, hear, smell, feel or taste?

To know the answer, I decided to become an ascetic. What the hell is the point of being the same person all these years fake-smiling to clients, harassing your subordinates, amassing money by the thousands each day?

The strictest self discipline is what I decided to impose on myself and find out what happens if I conquer my senses. Call it a vulgar display of wealth if you will, I don’t seem to care any longer – I purchased a small piece of land, an island by the beach with absolute privacy; No human beings to disrupt my mission. As to the non-humans, they have never been as much trouble.

Day 1

The coarse sand irritated my bare feet as I walked on in my island. My feet sunk into the sand and got buried. The warm sand felt cozy around my fingers and ankles. How do I get away from all of this? I need solitude. I need a place where I cannot be tantalized by nature’s treats. Some place, where my senses are not assailed by the call of the wild or the persistent call of the sea. Ah, I chose the perfect spot – A rock just near the sea. But nature’s forces keep putting me down…

Day 2

I am trying, trying not to feel anything. I strive to be like the rock beneath me, I want to be a part of that rock, and not feel anything through my senses. I want my senses to go inert. Go away, stupid birds which have no sense of where to shit and stupid crabs which cannot walk straight! Go back to where you came from and leave me alone!

Day 14

I am not able to let go of my senses. Maybe rejection is not the key. Maybe I should just acknowledge the presence of nature instead of trying to push it all away…

Day 23

I stood on the rock, waves licking my feet. I allowed the sensation to wash over me. I was just neutral to my senses. Just felt the water at my legs. I acknowledged how it felt.

A mental image of the whole thing was developing in my head. A mental photograph, if you will. Through closed eyes and an open imagination I could see the crabs moving along, occasionally exercising their pincers; I could see the birds of the sea gliding across the vastness of the ocean, looking for foolish prey that swam very close to the top of the ocean; I saw the clouds in the horizon occasionally trying to block the sun from showing his red face to the world.

Day 31

Each day I stood there and sharpened my mental photograph. Each day I added more details to the mental photograph in my head. It ranged from anything as simple as a crab’s pincer to something as complex as the hue of the sky during a particularly beautiful sunset.

What I subconsciously did was to slowly deviate from the actual experience provided by my senses and delve more into my mental perception, enriching the experience provided by my vivid imagination. Basically I was trying to weaken my senses and sharpen the mental photograph. In my head I could feel the pinching of the crabs and the water, but I couldn’t physically feel it through my senses. I was slowly detaching myself from my senses.

I was ecstatic when I achieved this because now there was only one step left – that is, removing the mental photograph and replacing this with emptiness. Ah, to feel how it is to be as impervious as a rock, senseless and empty. You bit** nature, I’m coming to conquer you! Will I achieve Nirvana and feel that I am the universe and everything in it?

I don’t know… Yet. An irritating traveler has been invading my practices lately. He comes paddling along, on his boat. Apparently he has bought the neighboring island and wants to irritate the shit out of me by coming to me every morning and adding unnecessary details to my mental photograph. He keeps yelling!

“Oye! Good morning!” He calls, ignoring my evident frustration. I want to beat him to death with his oar…