How I Breached the Gates of Hell - I

I knew I was dead.

Why? I remember pushing in more vodka shots than I could handle and abusing my boss so much that kids and conservative women would commit suicide without a second thought after hearing it; I remember I accosted a random public transport bus; I remember politely asking the driver to get the fuck outta the driver’s seat, and when he didn’t oblige I remember pummeling his head with my ancient Nokia 3100 (People always used to call it sengal, so I thought I would use it likewise), throwing him out and then with an air of Aurangzeb ousting Shahjahan and taking the throne, I ascended the throne of the bus and started driving it in a haphazard manner. It’s not every day that you get to beat up bus drivers and drive buses. And of course, it’s not every day that you die.

That railway crossing I stopped the bus on? Well, let’s just say some stuff on that bus and on that train won’t be the same any longer.

Through the hazy mist, in the bleary distance I observed a cloaked and mysterious figure approaching me. As he came closer, I realized that he was too handsome to be real. His features were carved out so perfectly that he put the statue of David and Michelangelo to shame ten times over. He came over with an air of absolute nonchalance, like he didn’t have a care in the world. Oh wait, I should bite my tongue. I don’t think I’m in the world anymore. He spoke like he was so bored of everything, especially me
.
His tone patronized every cell in my body.

“Ah, welcome, software engineer (SE) number 85,236,574,911,235,841.”

“What?”

“Oh, you’re dead and you’re at the gates of hell.”

“Hell?! What the… HELL?!”

“Yes, now that curse shall acquire more meaning.”

“You gotta be kidding me man. Jesus Christ!”

“Ah, ah, ah. That kind of cursing is not allowed in hell, Mr. SE.”

“Come on! Why am I in hell? I’ve never used f*** and Jesus Christ in the same
sentence, I’ve never …”

“Save your breath while I list out the reasons why you’re here.”

This was absolutely crazy! Why the hell was I in hell?

“For starters, you just parked a bus on the railway tracks. There were 12 people on the bus that couldn’t make it out of there when the train rammed the bus, and the train which came in? The driver and 6 people died on that. You are responsible for the deaths of 18 people. Include yourself. 19 people. That’s worse than most serial killers.”

“But I didn’t do it intentionally! I was just a guy who got pissed with his software job and wanted some fun!”

He shrugged and lit a cigarette with the same nonchalance he had exhibited before. He spoke again.

“Well, as the ruler of this realm, I have nothing to say. I do not sympathize or empathize with you.”

“You are the ruler... You are the devil?!”

“Some call me that, yes.”

“What the… The devil smokes?”

“Why not? And no lung cancer or any other monstrosities associated with it.”

“So how does hell work?”

“Simple. A guy called Coelho said the universe conspires to give you what you want if you really want it. Here it happens in reverse. If you want something really badly, hell makes sure you don’t get it.”

“Err.. I guess that’s how life works for everyone in a non Paulo Coelho world.”

“Whatever. Who cares? So, you’re a software engineer huh. Allow me to outline your duties.”

“Duties?! Nooooooo. Don’t tell me. Please, please, I give you full permission to do anything heinous. Eye gouging, limb pulling, merciless beating with spiked whips.. Anything but please don’t make me do coding again!”

“That’s how hell works. And I take immense satisfaction in informing you that you can do absolutely nothing about it. Hahahahahahaha.”

Well, I had seen and heard thalaivar’s evil laugh in Endhiran (Thankfully I saw that movie before I departed from Earth) and let me tell you. Compound the effect of that laugh a few million, no, a few billion times and even then it won’t even come close to the devil’s laugh. The devil’s laughter made my eyes pop out and reach my tummy, where my stomach was churning at close to ultrasonic frequency.

Wait. Did I even have internal organs anymore?

(To be continued … )